Comparing Myself to Paul Rudd...

's character in Wet Hot American Summer

I’ve been thinking about my friend Kara and not just because she has her second brain surgery on Monday to try and clear out what’s left of a benign tumor(!). Although this big event in her life has definitely been weighing on my mind. (If you’re reading this, send a little light my friend’s way!)

Specifically, I was thinking about something she told me over the phone or probably a voice message, about how one of the reasons writing for her Substack is such an important practice is because it shows her in a very tangible way all of the different selves vying for her attention at any given moment. That’s what I heard at least. Kara, am I translating you correctly? (Kara will tell us in the comments… if she has time!)

Basically, I’m feeling this intensely today / this week. So many things I want to write about. I want to write about them because I want to see them on the page, so I can know my thoughts in a way that doesn’t happen when you just think them.

I saw this image first through a tennis Substack I follow!

But I’ll start with the most necessary topic: I’m embarking on a massive (yuge) rewrite of the manuscript I “finished” in July. I’ve had so many feelings about this setback. (So many that the word setback sounds a touch mocking.) These feelings have ranged from a kind of whiny “akldfjalkd;fj” à la Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer…

to a more spirited, “Not only am I gonna rewrite this book, but I’m gonna rewrite it in the most excellent, the most undeniably-good way!” à la this goalie:

I also had to “have a think” (←for my U.K. audience?) about my own ambition. (See above gif.) It’s such an itchy feeling for me: essentially being rejected and having to work harder/ do better to get “acceptance.” It’s also a nostalgic one. I did a major rewrite of Wildcat well after I thought I was finished writing it. And that rewrite (which eventually led to selling the project) kind of took over my life and made me crazy. And so, as I started tearing this book apart, this wildness—to use a word?—returned. It’s like a voice telling me that I need to be working right now! Now! And faster. Faster! She’s not very chill, that one. Which made me think about my previous post about ambition (and, to some extent, Novak Djokovic) as well as my best friends/parents over at This Jungian Life. Because: I don’t like this part of myself, this self who is soooo into achieving. And I’m pretty sure that Jungians would call this your shadow self. Or, a shadow self.

And see, if there’s anything else I’m trying to do these days, apart from write, make dinner, do press handstands, and drive Isaac to hockey practice, it’s trying to bring in all of these selves. To address each one and say: I hear you! I see you! Totally. Good point!

Here’s how this looks right now: My ambitious self lets me know she wants to work. Like badly. She sees the children coming at her with their requests for snacks as obstacles to her goals. But then, in comes my mothering self. And she is like: “Whoa, girl. Your kids aren’t obstacles! And as for your “work,” (mocking tone) it would totally suck without them!”

Okay, so maybe they aren’t friends yet, but Imma keep the conversation going.

At least Rafa gets it.

That work/life balance

It has honestly helped that Rafa and I are going through the exact same thing 👯‍♂️. (For the people not following the professional tennis circuit, Nadal missed just about the entire 2023 season because of a major injury. And then, during his first tournament back in 2024, what was supposed to be a warm-up for The Australian Open, he hurt himself again and subsequently had to pull out of the grand slam. His return date = TBD.)

I’m aware I’m being silly about twinning with Rafa, but he does have a way of speaking (in his heavily-accented English) that strikes a chord with me. I can hear him saying, re: his injury (and obviously my rewrite) that this is “the reality.” And re: reality, “We must accept it.” I find this equation endlessly helpful. Step one: Find out what the reality of the situation is. Step two: Accept it.

And on that note, though I have other ideas/thoughts I want to share, the reality is I need to get back to this rewrite.

As always, thank you for being here!